Recap time
So if you haven’t heard, I’m leaving Costa Rica, and heading back to LA to regroup and figure out my next step. I'm leaving sooner than I intended, as I had wanted to stay until March. However, everything piled up, I've been overwhelmed and unhappy. I've learned what I came to learn, and I'm ready to go home.
I was telling my new neighbor about my experience living here and why I’m moving. He replied, “wow I’m sorry you had such a bad experience.” And I realized other people watching me, may have this thought too.
So I want to clarify: I did NOT have a bad experience. I do NOT regret coming here. I do NOT hold any negativity around me time here.
I actually really LOVED being here. The hard things are sometimes the best things.
I learned so much about myself. I saw many blind spots that I was unaware of in myself, my beliefs and in my relationships. The jungle gave me some awesome side view mirrors I didn’t have before. It broke me down to the depths of my being, so I could truly see myself, and who I’d become.
When I came here, I KNEW it would be hard. I knew that the extreme heat, lack of water and other essential amenities, as well as the bugs, were going to help me see into myself.
When I came here, I was codependent in my anchor relationship. I was unhealthy. I was addicted to numbing my emotions with weed, food and general laziness. I had horrible self image, and depended on things like my hair and clothing for my confidence. I had lost sight of what I wanted in life. I was disconnected from my body and movement. I had let go of all the parts of myself I had loved and convinced myself I couldn’t be happy in LA.
One big thing that’s finally clicked in my head being here, is finding a new place, or the ‘perfect’ place to live, isn’t going to fix any of my issues above. It doesn’t really matter where I’m living. I can only fix these things, and therefor my happiness, by doing the WORK.
That’s not to say I can live ANYWHERE, because I need certain things to be comfortable enough to be happy and feel safe to grow and discover. The things I’ve learned I need are: loved ones, basic amenities (water, power, temperature regulation, a safe home free from major infestation), and NATURE. Maybe other people don’t need these same things, and can do with less. That’s okay, it doesn’t make me any weaker for having my own set of needs.
Leaving Costa Rica, I’m ready to be more of a whole person going back into my relationship. I’m ready to prioritize the things in my day, that I need to do, to feel good. I’m ready to eat what makes me FEEL good, not just what I’m craving in the moment. I’m ready to fully leave behind dairy and gluten. I’m ready to finally cut my emotional ties with weed, no matter how much I think I can regulate it, or justify smoking every night, I don’t want to. I want to only do it on occasion, and not make it a corner stone of my personality. Especially because it makes it harder to navigate food cravings and makes me over less productive and sleep worse. I want to love how my body FEELS and FUNCTIONS, over how it looks. Looks are so superficial, and if I feel good and am healthy to do the activities I want to, that is perfect! I want to move in my body more. Things that I want to be apart of my daily life are yoga, dancing, hooping, acroyoga, skating and anything else I stumble upon, to move the energy inside me. This is how I connect to my body. And lastly, I want to cut ties with all my ‘stuff’ that weighs me down. I lived out of two suitcases for 3 months and was more than fine. I had EVERYTHING I need. I want to be able to pick up and travel whenever I feel like it, and have less ‘things’ holding me back.
I’m coming back not only a new person, but my truest self. I haven’t been her in a long time. I got very lost. But that’s perfect. It’s life. We get lost, to find ourselves. And then we do it again. And again. And again. It’s life. It’s beautiful. We’re here to learn grow and experience.
I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. Thank you for holding space and reading this. I hope you found some inspiration for your own life. I’ve remembered my life’s purpose is to help people. All I want to do is make a positive impact on those around me. I’m hoping that being more vulnerable like this is a start to doing that more. I love you so much beautiful soul.
Pura Vida <3