Well, I'm not going to lie. It's terrifying to get back on here again after 4 months.
I have myself questioning if I should even continue this platform and YouTube.
But I just mainly want to give a life update for all of those that I've ghosted and left wondering what happened. And after I recover from this vulnerability hangover, we'll see if I continue adding to my blog.
I wanted to write a comeback post for Instagram, Facebook and my blog, but honestly, it's so much easier to make one post here and share it everywhere.
Ugh. As I'm typing this, I literally want to erase it all.
The last 4 months have been some of the most difficult and rewarding times. I lost and gained so much, in every single area of my life.
Okay I'll stop beating around the bush.
I was in an outpatient therapy program for 6 weeks starting in January. I had an episode on December 31st that had my therapist telling me to either find a program or admit myself to the psych ward. I was far from okay.
Probably the darkest place I've ever been in.
But luckily, I found a great program that kept me in constant therapy for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. I have NEVER been so tired in my life. I would wake up at 8 am, go to therapy, come home at 5pm, and get in bed until the next morning. Turns out digging up your deepest traumas you barely knew existed is really fucking tiring.
I went into the program for depression, anxiety, self-harm, disordered eating, OCD and ADHD. What we coined 'alphabet soup' in group.
My week would consist of 3 individual sessions with my in-house therapist, 1 session with my EMDR therapist, 1 session with my nutritionist, 1 session with my psychiatrist, 1 session with my nurse, 1 check in with the director and the rest of my time was filled with group therapy.
Group therapy. Never done it before. Was scared as fuck. I went in to my first day, my first group, which was just a process group from the weekend. Everyone was so kind and welcoming, there was even a person that had the exact same undercut, hair color and bun as I did (that will be important later) but that did not help my soul crushing anxiety. I felt like complete shit. It got to be my turn to talk, and they asked me to introduce myself and share a little bit about why I was there or about my weekend. I shit you not when I say I barely got my name out before I started bawling. And that was the first of MANY times I would cry in that building.
As soon as I started with my psychiatrist, he put me on an anti-depressant. I had resisted trying meds for years, but I hit rock bottom so hard, I was willing to try anything. And I'm glad I did. The anti-depressant didn't help on its own, but once he added a mood stabilizer, my life did a 180 flip. I had been having panic attacks every few days, just from existing, and they literally just stopped. Thank god for anti-anxiety meds.
I really struggled with the fact I had to be one 3 meds to be stable, but I learned to shift my perspective and be grateful that I had something to help me feels better. That journey took weeks and a lot of tears.
The group therapy was really intense, and triggered so many hard, deep realizations within me. I don't even know how to sum up those experiences. I might open up about them eventually, but for sake of not overwhelming myself, I'll keep them to myself for now.
So that was a very tough 6 weeks, especially because Riley was in the Philippines so I was home mostly alone (minus my roommate who I talked to once).
Since I graduated the program, which consisted of all the staff and patients saying terribly nice things about me, I've still been in a lot of therapy. I still see my normal outside therapist, new EMDR specialist and new dietician once a week. I was also on a long wait list for a new psychiatrist, but I finally have an appointment in 2 weeks, thank god.
My psychiatrist in the program was good in a lot of ways but also not great in others. He put me on new meds a week before I discharged, with no other psychiatrist and wished me luck. (You have to use all new outside therapists once you graduate). So that was very stressful but thank god the meds happened to work.
As soon as I graduated the program, I was finally able to contact the people that I had made friends with inside the program and hang out with them. The person with the same hair as me, ended up becoming my partner and we've been super happy together. It's very gay and very cute.
I'm also trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life, but I think I may stay in LA a bit longer. I was originally thinking of spending the summer in Montana, and then going to Seattle, but I think I'm finally starting to like LA, so I'm going to give it another 6 months and see what happens.
There's probably so much that I missed touching on, but I don't have the spoons for much more of an update currently. Hopefully I won't go 4 months without updating my blog again, we'll see 😅
But to sum everything up, I'm incredibly happy with my partners Riley, Isaac and Syd, I'm still doing all the hard work and growing, and life may be hard still but it's looking up.
If you're struggling with mental health and are serious about wanting to get better, try a PHP or an IOP program. A good one will change your life. And if you have questions or need help, don't be afraid to reach out.
Thanks for sticking around and supporting me, it means a lot.
I love you! Sending hugs. Don't forget, you're never alone ❤️