To be honest, I'm very depressed.
It's been a long time since I've been this depressed. I don't recognize anything about myself right now. I know it's just a season, so I'm trying to have patience with myself, but I'm even struggling with that.
The only reason I'm even able to finally give any update here, is because I'm doing slightly better, which says a lot and is kind of terrifying to even think about.
This is the first time in my entire 25 (almost 26) years of existence, that I understand what it's like to struggle to clean, do laundry, organize or do really any small, menial task.
I generally speaking, clean my house and do laundry once a week, MINIMUM, and keep everything organized and put away, where it goes. I went nearly 3 weeks without cleaning or doing laundry. I'm not exaggerating when I say this is UNHEARD of for me.
I've had so many life changes all at once, it's felt impossible to keep up with. This is my first time ever, sharing a room with someone. Just coming back from Costa Rica and everything is still packed away in boxes. I basically started a new job, learning how to edit more complex videos. Also a new software, learning how to use Final Cut on a Mac vs. when I used to edit on InShot on my phone. All of this, on top of readjusting to a place that previously made me so unhappy, I literally moved to another country.
My body also has been out of wack. Adjusting from extreme humidity, to a much drier climate. My skin is sooo dry here and my acne has been insane. My period was 2 weeks late which has NEVER happened to me. Everything is so confusing. I'm so emotional. I'm not sleeping well. I'm constantly tired. All the typical signs of depression.
The thing that has thrown me off the most though is that I haven't been able to organize my room/bathroom/closet/boxes. This is something I normally LOVE to do. Like, it literally brings me joy. But I tried to start with ONE drawer one day, got too overwhelmed, and put everything back. I had to ask Riley to help me because I can't even start.
A huge part of my identity has always been being organized, clean and overly productive (to a fault I know). Now I've lost that, and swung so far in the opposite direction, I don't even know who I am.
If all of that isn't bad enough, I still haven't danced, hooped, or spent any time at home since I've been back. It makes me so sad. But when I think about just going outsid, my anxiety gets so bad.
SOOOO moral of the story. I'm fucking struggling.
BUT, yesterday I did laundry and cleaned finally, and today I'm going to try and tackle one small organizing task. Baby steps.
I also have a big motivational factor in play. I'm planning on spending the last two weeks of November in Seattle with friends. I want to make sure when I come back, all of my stuff is organized. I don't want to come home to the new stresses.
So I'm hoping with some goals in place, I can make some progress. I feel the stress, depression and anxiety slowly lifting. But I'm still very deep in it.
Patience. I must have patience.
If you made it this far and are a close friend or family, I want to apologize for being so MIA. I'm having to prioritize taking care of myself right now, and it's a full time job. Fuck.
Thank you for supporting me, seeing me and just exisiting. All of my friends mean so much to me.
I'm hoping to film a new youtube video today. Hopefully it'll be edited and posted by Sunday.
One last thank you to MYSELF for hanging in, and also creating this special place where I can be vulnerable, authentic and real.
I hope if nothing else, my pages give you comfort that you're not alone in your struggles.
I LOVE YOU! Big hugs 🤗
Also it's November so MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS 🎄