Wow well... it's been a month, oops! Life has been tough lately.
I had a lot of fun on my Seattle trip. It was so jam packed and busy, I didn't even have time to think about being depressed. After 18 days of driving and essentially staying at a different persons house every night, I'm shocked to say I never got tired of driving and actually really enjoyed that aspect.
I took two mini roadtrips with friends in that time too. My partner Isaac and I went to Leavenworth. And my friends Caylee and Dylan took me to Cape disappointment.
The trip really affirmed for me that I love traveling, seeing new places and living minimally. I had two suitcases, two bags of food, my backpack and some bedding, and that was more than enough for me. It really made me ponder van life, pretty seriously...we'll see if anything comes of that pondering.
I got to see so many friends that I miss and love so deeply. I got my first performance gig back since the pandemic, and I even got to do it with my bestie by my side. I vlogged a lot, we'll see if anything comes of that. I ended up getting sick the last week, which was very unfortunate, since I had to cancel some plans. But I pushed through and took care of myself the best I could. Riley flew up and we spent thanksgiving with his family, which was so sweet and wholesome.
We spent three days driving home, and drove down the 101 for an entire day. I'd never experienced the red woods, it was so beautiful. It was a sunny/cloudy/rainy day, and it created the most perfect drive home. I was heavy in my feels and reminded of how much nature means to me.
Since I got home, it's been back to the same LA vibes. Stuck inside all the time, working, sleeping too much, depressed and anxious. All around, not having a good time in life.
I really don't know what it is about LA. I don't know if it's where I live, or California in general, but I just really don't like it. It feels like such a huge energy drain. It's so confusing though, becuase there is nautre near by, just none of it is super close/easily accessible. The times I've been the hapiest in life, are when I can walk out my door, and within 5 minutes be in nature. Nature recharges me, and it's just not super realistic for me to get out into nature every day.
I set a goal to go outside for 10 minutes every day, and there's about 50% of days I can't even do that. I just don't know how to motivate or push myself, when getting out of bed feels nealy impossible every day.
It also hasn't helped that I've had a few peole in the older generations tell me that I just need to 'pick myself up and keep going' and I'm just like BRUH💀 that is such an outdated way of thinking. I'm trying not to push my feelings down anymore so I can actually FEEL things and CONNECT to loved ones instead of dissacoicate. But thanks for reminding me why I don't like to be public with my struggles a lot of the times...
And even this feels very public for me, spilling my heart, what's weighing me down. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. I won't tell you how bad things are, or what's actually going on, becuase there's some things only my therapists and partners need to know.
But I'll just say it's really bad. I'm really struggling and having a pretty unwell time in life.
I haven't hooped once since I got back from Costa Rica. I've done yoga once in the past month. I can't remember the last time I did breath work. I've journaled 7 times in 2 months. Everything I worked so hard on in Costa Rica dissapeared into thin air. I feel empty and numb, and hopeless and lost.
My therapist is even kind of at a loss of what to do. Her main recommendation I couldn't even afford. It's rough.
All I can do is focus on getting out of LA. My plan is to move to Montana with my Mom around May. I'll live in a camper outside their house, on 5 acres of nature, next to a creek. It's where I grew up, and I think it will be really nice for me to have my own space, and be able to step out my front door into nature.
I also have another short Seattle trip planned in February, and right after that I'll be going back to Costa Rica for 1.5 weeks for Envision festival. Also later in the year, Riley and I will be going to Shambhala in Canada.
I have a lot of good things to look forward to, I just need to make it through this low period, and find some joy in life again. Being in the darkness like this is horrible.
Here's to hoping my next check in isn't a month away, and isn't so depressing.
Thanks for reading, sending love and hugs ❤️