11/10/2022
I cried today in therapy
It sucked
It hurt my soul to be
Truly seen
The most imperfect parts
Of me, that I hate
I wanted to run and hide
It felt like someone was
Shoving my face in my failures
I hate feeling weak
Exposing my flaws
It hurts to admit that I
So heavily base my personality
In the idea that one day
I can achieve perfection
It sucks to think that
I'm struggling so badly
That going outside for 10 minutes
Feels like the hardest thing
I've ever done
I can't even find hope
That one day I won't live
An achievment based life
My therapist says that
She has hope for me
Even if I can't
I'm glad
Because I really really can't
I know this comes from
My childhood
The more you 'do'
The more you'll be rewarded
"I'm bored"
Always "do something"
Never "just be"
How do I let that go?
Will I ever let that go?
Can I let that go?
I want to let it go
Judgements, judgements
I want so badly to throw them
In the fucking fire
They hurt me, hurt you, hurt us
I'm hurt, suffering
From the weight of my own
Expectations
That I can never live up to
No matter how hard I try