09/07/2022
This has been a heavy topic for me, my whole life, but recently more than ever.
I finally brought the topic into therapy, that was a lot. I just wanted to openly share where I'm at, what I've gone through, and what I'm learning, in hopes that I can help someone else.
I feel that body image is something so many of us struggle with, but honestly doesn't SERIOUSLY get discussed all that much.
We complain to our friends or partners, "I need to work out more. I need to eat healthier. I need to lose weight." The list goes on and on.
But rarely, at least in my circle, do I hear people talking about WHY it's happening and how we can fix it.
'Body positivity' is a term that gets thrown around a lot, but the general message behind it is just, "Love your body," with little to no guidance on to HOW to love our body.
Let me just give you a little backstory for myself.
Growing up, I was always very thin. I was going to try to be a model for a gymnastics magazine, but my dad told me the in photos I took, I looked fat. So I gave up on that.
I worked out heavy all through high school, and had abs of steel. After I graduated, I tried to keep up with the gym, but it just wasn't the same intensity as before. Back then, I thought I was in SUCH good shape. Now I look back at the gym photos from then and I'm SHOCKED that I considered myself skinny.
It's crazy to me that my perspective could change so much in five years. So what caused it to change? Social media.
I became a raver and then an influencer on Instagram. I became obsessed with how skinny I had gotten from the combination of heavy cardio (clubbing all night), not eating enough and drugs. Tied to all of that, the skinnier and prettier I felt, the more likes I got on my posts. It was an obsession.
Also, all the most famous rave girls were so thin as well, and I looked up to them. Constantly seeing all these very skinny girls, thinking I had to be that, to get likes, to get approval and to feel loved, it destroyed me.
As I phased out of raving, I also started to actually grow into a woman's body. I grew hips and curves and thighs, the whole nine yards. I have also been significantly healthier. Paying attention to what I ate, not doing a fraction of as many drugs and prioritizing yoga and meditation.
While I am so much healthier, in so many ways, I'm still stuck on the fact that my body is vastly different. I struggle with food, undereating and overeating. Binging on sugar and then feeling guilty about it. It's been a huge struggle for years now.
I asked my therapist how I can navigate these issues. The first thing that was super helpful for me was that we should work on being body neutral first.
I've been trying to look in the mirror and tell myself, "I love my belly" but you guys, it's just not working. Instead my therapist suggested saying, "I'm neutral about my belly" and later if I learn to love it, great, but let's take one step at a time and not hate our body.
She also talked about FUNCTIONALITY. Asking yourself if your body is capable of doing the things you enjoy doing. This was a big one for me, as I'm a very active person, and my body is strong and I'm able to do basically anything I want. I should be grateful for this, and know that there's nothing I need to change in that regard. I just need to appreciate all my body does for me.
Another thing she suggested is following, and specifically engaging with, a wider variety of people on social media. This made a lot of sense in my brain. Unfortunately the algorithm shows me thin girls mainly, so I've been searching for accounts that are more body positive and interacting, to help retrain my brain and BELIEVE that all bodys are beautiful.
Growing up, and still to this day, my mom uses peoples' age, race, size, weight, sexuality, to describe people when she's telling me about them. I didn't realize how damaging this has been until recently. Because now when I look at people, the first thing I notice and categorize them in my head as, is what makes them different, and rarely in a positive way.
I don't mean to take down my mom here, she's learning and growing in her own ways, I'm simply explaining where my mindset has come from.
So I have a lot of unlearning to do. I have a lot of mindsets to fix. If you feel the same as me, remember to take baby steps. First learn to not hate your body, before you learn to love it. First learn to catch your negative thoughts, before you can start to replace them. First learn to acknowledge the beauty in others differences, before you can start to believe them.
This is honestly very hard for me to type all this out and admit. Because I only want to see the beauty in people and I never want to hurt anyone's feelings.
But admitting we have flaws is the first step to working through them and I'm here to say, I have a LOT of flaws.
I still have so much to learn about my body image and how I view others as well, but I know it's all inner connected. My beliefs of myself are just a projection of how I judge others. I've always been aware of that and I'm happy to have some action steps.
As far as my eating habits go, I eliminating added sugars out of my diet from two weeks to see if it helps my acne and bloating. After that, I will be re-introducing, non-processed sweets and working with my therapist on my relationship with food in general.
I know this is the start to a long difficult journey, but I truly just want to FEEL healthy in my body. I miss that feeling.
If you have any tips on how you've grown to love your body more, please feel free to share! I'm always looking to learn and grow <3